Steve

Dear Sister,

I am so upset about our Mother. She has taken up with that Mexican Gigolo guy, Armando, again. We was gone to that big N.R.A. thing in Wichita Falls. You should have seen the Ice sculptures. The one at our table was a ten-foot Smith and Wesson 30/30 all carved out of ice. It was just beautiful.

Well anyway, When we got back and went to check on Momma, we saw his rusty old 1967 El Camino parked out in front of her trailer house. Lester was fit to be tied. He said that he was sure that we were rid of that "Pepper Belly Casanova," that's what Lester calls him, once and for all last January.

We thought that when one of his ex-wives caught up with him, that he had skee-daddled back to Mexico and that was that. It seems that he just hid out in Flint Michigan for about six months and now he's back.

They came over to watch the Country Music Awards the other night because they said Momma's T.V. was busted and Armando had taken it into town to get fixed. Lester told em that it was new and still under warranty with Wal-Mart. Besides he said Clute Brettstetter, over in Hutto, is the only T.V. repairman around for a hunerd miles, and he saw him at the Cafe yesterday, and he didn't say nothin about fixin his Mother-in-laws T.V. set.

It wadn't long after that, that we figured out that Armando had pawned Momma's T.V. set over at the U-Pawn-It off of I-35 in Cedar Park. He had also pawned the VCR, the Amana Radar range microwave oven, that Aunt Sister gave Momma right before she died, her stationary exercise bicycle, that I don't think she had ever used, that whirlpool attachment thingy that hangs on the side of her bathtub (we just gave her that a year ago Christmas), and her brand new SunBeam room De-Humidifier, with six foot extension cord. When we tried to confront her with it, she just smiles and says that Armando makes her happy.

She has dyed her hair jet-black. It makes her look a hunerd. Her face is too wrinkled up to have her hair that dark. It makes her look mean and hard lived. She has also taken to wearin those black velvet toreador pants that Great aunt Beatrice sent her from Mexico back in 56. The zipper's off its track and her panties show, but she thinks they look beautiful.

I'm practically out of my mind with worry over this thing. The other night when they was leavin she leaned over and asked me what I douched with? I like to D.I.E. died. Our Mother askin me a thing like that. And when I realized why she was askin me, I had to run to the commode and be sick.

I was reading the September Issue of Red Book at the beauty parlor. It’s the new one with Julia Roberts on the cover. She looks a whole lot better than she used to. Do you think that she had nostril reduction surgery? It Kinda looks like it. Course, they might have kinda plugged em or somethin with make-up putty for the picture.

Well anyway, they had this article in there about family Intervention to stop a loved ones dangerous behavior before it's too late. It also had a recipe for a sweet little cake, made with raspberry Jell-O and ladyfingers, that you should take with you to the intervention to show that you have only good intentions and you merely want to help. Lester says he and his shotgun are all the intervention Armondo's gonna need to leave town. But I think Momma will never forgive us for chasin her only chance for late- life romance away.

We are wantin to do this Friday night. Do you think that you could come? If you don't want to be involved, could you at least stay with Harla and Darla while we're over there? I know it's real short notice and all. I hardly ever ask anything of you, and you hardly ever do what I ask anyway. Please let me know right away.

And remember we love you, anyway.