Dear Auntie Serena

My Marriage is falling apart. DeWayne is obviously not in love with me anymore. I can’t figure out what the problem is but I’m sure it’s another woman. Oh, he doesn’t completely ignore me. He still does my hair and picks out all of my clothes and accessories, planning what I will wear each day, a week in advance. He does the same for our two little girls. He’s a marvelous cook. I never have to do a thing in the kitchen. He’s re-decorated the house, twice already this year. All of our windows have elaborate balloon valances and we have even more track lights and accent spots than when you were here last.

But when I want to snuggle or get romantic, he goes off into the den and listens to old Donna Summer tapes, or watches the same old M.G.M. Musicals over and over and signs along with them.

He recently joined a Gym, and when he gets home from a three-hour work out, 4 times a week, he’s exhausted and goes to bed in the guestroom. Is something wrong with me? Should I change my perfume or have my arms waxed? What do you think? Help me.

Your niece, Tabitha

Dear Tabitha,

I’m not surprised to receive your letter. I tried to tell you when you married DeWayne. Remember when I said he wasn’t your type? I should have said that you aren’t his type. Honey, wake up and smell the C.K. He’s Gay!

Didn’t you think it was odd that he designed your wedding dress, made the wedding cake and insisted you re-color your hair, thirty minutes before the ceremony? Do you think that was really a business trip to Cape Cod with his old College roommate, Bret that cut your honeymoon short the second day?

I asked around five years ago and didn’t turn up much, but a year or so ago I went to my hairdresser, Prentiss to a Gay piano bar, and saw him kissing an old guy in a cowboy hat.

He didn’t see me as I left immediately so as not to embarrass him. Prentiss told me he’d seen him often at his gym, which is exclusively gay. He said he never works out, he just hangs around the Jacuzzi talking to older guys, then he goes to bars with them after, for a couple of drinks. Three hour work out my Asstima! Didn’t you wonder how he knew those guys that wrote "Greater Tuna" and knew where their beach house was, when we went backstage? And what about his weird fixation with Joan Rivers? Honey, that’s just not normal unless you’re gay. Believe me he is and Victoria doesn’t have a secret that can change it.

So divorce him, marry somebody that wants to sleep with you and hire DeWayne to decorate the house. You shouldn’t have any trouble getting it. Prentiss said he can get pictures if you need.

Let me know.

Your Auntie Serena