Steve

Dear Sister,

I guess you heard about the big rain we had. It was flooded for two days til the creek went down. There was a lot of mud and there were snakes in the house. Lester just kept grabbin em up in his hands and cuttin there heads off with his pocket knife. Harla and Darla wouldn't go to sleep til they each had a pocket knife in their hands. They wouldn’t have used em but it made them feel better knowin they each had one.

I had all my good stuff, my collectible dolls and my Q.V.C. network stuff up high enough that it's all okay. We did lose the house papers the titles for the cars and all of Harla and Darla's baby pictures, but Lester's John Wayne collection and all my Barbies made it through, thank God.

We were sick for four days with the food poisoning on top of that. We found out we got some tainted pimento loaf lunchmeat at the Stop -N-Shop. You know Grady Ditweiller that went to school with us? He runs it. He married some big ol German gal, sort of a war bride of a thing. He must have had a stop off in Germany on his way home from Vietnam.

Anyway, her name is Guisela, and she looks like a big ol pink scrubbed hog. When he first married her she looked like the Take it off, Take it all off, Girl on the shaving cream ads on T.V. Now she looks like Mrs. Ziffle on Green Acres. I guess he don't mind though cause you remember he looked like Troy Donahue. Not any more Girl. He looks like Jr. Samples on Hee-Haw. Enough that people always ask him if he's related when they stop to get gas.

They have two little ol kiddoes that are just as dumb as posts. They look like they don't have any necks. Their fat little faces set right on their round little bodies just like somebody smacked em hard on the top of the head with a board and it never popped back up.

Well they had been playin around in the store and had unplugged one of the coolers. That lunchmeat and cheese case was turned off for over 24 hours and that’s how we got a hold of the tainted pimento loaf. We probably will be trading at the Quick mart from now on. At least that’s where we bought all the toilet paper and Pepto Bismol we needed. The only good thing that come of the whole thing is that I lost 15 pounds and now I weigh 285.

How did that Miss Briar Patch thing come out, anyway? Were you able to use that old accordion? Ever since Lester's sister died that things just been sittin up in the top of his closet getherin dust. And what about all of her Polka Dot things did they fit alright.

Somebody had been callin here all last week askin about you. Were you allergic to any foods or medications, did you have medical insurance? Weird stuff like that. Lester got a caller I.D. box and it said the calls were coming from Wendy Chicago. What's that anyway? A Radio Station? We didn’t tell em anything. The voice was real weird too. Sounded kinda like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas, but with a Minnesota accent.

I guess you might have read about our library blowin up. Well actually it's just that Winnebago Bookmobile thing that Reeva Limstettler drives around tryin to be a do gooder. She hit a sinkhole in that thing and the back axle snapped a main gas pipeline. The explosion blew Reeva and a lot of the books clear, about twenty yards or so. Darryl Huey of the Volunteer Fire Department said the fire might not have been so bad if all the books hadn't been paperbacks.

Some people felt sorry for her so when she got out of traction and most of her burns had healed up, they gave her all of Dora Lee Peveto's Readers Digest condensed books, all the way back to 1961,and that old Ice cream truck they took away from Lyndon Schoopy cause he was a convicted Pedophile.

She's happier than a lark. She hadn't got the hang of the stick shift in the Ice cream truck yet. The Winnebago was evidently automatic. You can here her coming from a good ways off, and Snotty Canady over at the Conoco fillin station has already replaced her clutch twice for her.

I had better go. Harla and Darla are helpin me cook dinner for a Girl Scout merit badge. They planned the menu and did the shoppin. The whole meal is to have a corn theme. Corn dogs, Creamed corn, Corn bread, and a yellow sheetcake decorated with candy corn for dessert. Lester said he thinks he's gonna need some "corn liquor" to get through this meal alive.

Let us know how you are. And let us know what to say if that Wendy Chicago calls back. Lester thinks they were tryin to set you up for some kind of accident before that Miss Briarpatch Pageant. He saw a thing on Americas most wanted where a Beauty Contestant gave her competition a lethal overdose of MSG and Visine in her Fresca the day before the Contest.

Bye Bye for now and remember, we love you, anyway.

Your Sister, Leona