Haven't heard a thing from you in quite a while. I sure hope all is well with you. Lester called me into the den the other night because he thought you were on TV. Turned out to be that Howard Stern, all dressed up on his book cover. You know you can buy his book with him on the cover blonde, brunette, or redhead. I think Lester thought you were the redhead. He never pays attention much. He's always gettin people mixed up. He used to think that Marlo Thomas and Mary Tyler Moore was the same person. We have been round and round with that one.

Trina Dinkmeyer's Momma is goin into a home next week. Things have evidently gotten worse. You know, she backed the car out into the street and hit some little old man, ridin on one of those senior mobility scooters. Well Girl, when the police got there and asked her to get out of the car and answer some questions, she wasn't wearin anything but her bra. The police were sympathetic about her confused state and didn't ticket her for indecent exposure. They did give her a ticket, however, for drivin without her glasses on. Trina was so humiliated. She said she had just done the laundry and her Mother had several clean bras to wear but the one she had on that day was just filthy.

For a while there, she was savin her bowel movements and puttin em in Tupperware ice box containers and stickin em in the freezer, and the vegetable crisper of the Fridgidaire. Much to Trina's surprise when she was checkin for leftovers.

She tried to give Trina' s Himalayan cat a haircut with the weed-wacker and put one of its eyes out. It took em about a week to coax that poor cat to come out from behind their old upright piano and take some food. By then it was too late to save the eye.

She set fire to the new cafe curtains in the kitchen when she tried to dry out her fluffy bedroom slippers in the electric counter-top broaster oven, set on high.

Trina knew it was the last straw when she started insisting that she was pregnant with Mr. Ed McMahan's child. She said that he had been with her, while Trina and Timmy Carl were at a little League game with the kids. Trina told her Momma it just can’t be that you are expecting a baby with Ed McMahan. It just isn't possible. Her Momma said it is too, "Why I don't know when the last time I had a period was." Trina told her, "well I do .It was 1962 and even if you were gonna have yourself a fifty-three pound baby elephant that's a hell of a long time to be pregnant with it."

Well, then she started to cry, and said she was gonna run away somewhere and have the baby someplace where Trina would never be able to see it. Trina made the call and got her a room that very day, at Final Days Rest Home in the Mental Unit. You remember Aunt Lois and Uncle Delbert were sent there about five years ago. I wonder if they are still there. I don't know when the last time any body checked on them was. You know that good-for-nothing daughter of theirs wouldn't care if they had died the day after she left home. That's how long she's been through with em. And after all that they did for her.

They got leg braces for her to sleep in when she was gettin all turn-toed. They had her buck teeth fixed. Remember they stuck out so far that she spit when she talked? And Uncle Delbert worked two jobs to pay for her cross-eye surgery. And after she burned her back that time on that hot water radiator, Aunt Lois gave her some of her own skin for the skin graft from somewhere where they said it wouldn't ever show. I always wondered what they meant by that. Seems like no matter where it was, it would have to show, at least to her and Uncle Delbert, if nobody else.

I better check and see if they are there. I quit sendin them a Christmas card when my list got too long one year. And I guess I just plain forgot about em after that. The last time I talked to em, they both seemed to have good sense. They live in the other part from where Trina's Momma is gonna be, in the high security mental facility with one of those big 12 foot looped bob-wire fences around it. They can come and go if they want in their part.

How did I get way off on that? What I meant to tell you is, Trina is havin an Estate Sale of her Momma's stuff and you ought to come. It'll be a week from next Wednesday. Lots of her wigs and mink stoles and old phonograph records and ear-bobs and stuff. Most of her old perfume has turned to alcohol but the bottles are still pretty. And a big old collection of Avon bottles. They are worth a fortune in New York and places like that. Some people even put their Avon bottle collections in the window filled with colored water. Now there's something that I bet that Martha Stewart never thought of, yet.

Look, I've got to go. Harla and Darla are going to the Jr. High Sunday school Classes Wienie Boil tonight. They started this several years ago. They had to have it indoors in the gymnasium so it had to be a Wienie Boil instead of a Wienie Roast cause they couldn't have a open fire inside the building.

They try to have it every year over at the Baptist church right before school starts so that when the kids get to school on Monday they'll know which kids they can associate with and which ones aren't Baptist. The girls are real excited because it's their first Southern Baptist Youth Function and of course, their very first Wienie Boil.

Bye for now. Remember, we love you anyway.