Steve

As you know we had been worried for some time that Mertice Ledbetter was losin' her mind but now she has completely gone behind the barn and down to the crick. It all happened last month when Finus, her husband, had one of those cable dishes put in. She got hooked on watchin' that Shoppin' channel and ordered the biggest bunch of trashy merchandise you ever did see.

On that shoppin' network they use special lighting so that plastic looks like crystal, polyester looks like silk and brass looks like gold, and those people take full advantage of it. Everything she got from them looked like she got it at the 99-cent store.

Well Finus told her he was gonna up and quit her if she didn't stop watchin' and orderin'. By this time she had a wall full of autographed pictures and thank-you notes from Joan Rivers, Connie Stevens, and Victoria Principal from her havin' ordered so much.

She seemed all right for a week or so but then she got hooked on the Women's Channel. Well pretty soon she was all depressed that Finus wasn't in touch with his feminine side enough to be the sensitive lover she wanted him to be. You know she was barkin' up the wrong tree there, because bein' a sensitive lover to Finus, means rememberin to take his dirty socks off, or keepin his head down so she can see the T.V.

And it wasn't long till she had all walls, floors and furniture inside and out even Finus' tractor painted with a sponged faux marble finish and a stiff polyester balloon valance on everything, even Little-bit's dog house.

Before she watched the Women's Channel she never was into crafts, doubting her marriage, or walking around in a daze worried about whether or not she really felt, you know, fresh! She was up to douching four times a day in conflictin' scents and flavors when she got hooked on that oldie's channel, Nick at Night.

She watched it two weeks straight without sleepin and went into a sit-com induced coma in front of the set with her blood shot eyes frozen in a sick pop-eyed stare. When she finally come too, she said she had been livin' in Minneapolis in an apartment, in a three-story house. It was weird, she could describe the apartment perfectly right down to its sunken living room, hide-a-bed and a cute stained glass window that opened onto a pass-through from her kitchen.

Pretty soon she started dressin' funny, always wearin' clingy little turtlenecks and short plaid skirts. The kicker was when she started callin her sister Rhoda, Finus Mr. Grant and her Mother-in-law, Sue Anne. She would go downtown everyday at the crack of noon, stand right in the middle of the intersection and throw her hat in the air tryin' to hang it on the courthouse weathervane.

Well Finus disconnected that satellite dish and is lettin' the pole beans and the squash run up on it out in the garden. And it doesn't look like Mertice is ever gonna be right. She doesn't hurt anybody and folks can tell the time by her standing in the middle of the road every day at noon and tossin' her hat.

Some people even bring her knit caps, baseball caps and tam-o-shanters so she'll keep tryin'. As for Finus, he says she's a much better housekeeper now and she's always cheerful. "It could be worse," he says, "How could that be," I says. "Well, what if she thought she was Mr. Ed?"

Bye now,