Steve

Dear Sister,

I had to write and tell you that Momma is not doin to well, at all! They called me from the Piggly Wiggly and told me that she was tryin to write them a check on a closed account. She'd written the wrong date and amount, and she wrote out the check in pencil.

Girl, when I went down to get her, she was talking to the security guard, tellin him what a nice place he had. Did he pick out the new paint when they re-did the produce and Bakery sections, cause she sure did like it, and found it a great improvement over the pink and green stripes.

She had that wig Aunt Weency gave her sitting on her head like a cap, not combed or anything. She had her dress on inside out, and as I looked down, I notice a two-foot trail of toilet paper draggin after her, stuck to her shoe. That was when I saw she had on one white Ked's sneaker, with a rip and her baby toe stickin out. On her other foot she had one of those tacky jelly sandals, in lime green.

I just hate those things. I remember when they first came out. I got Harla and Darla a pair, and when we was at Six Flags, it got so hot that those damn things melted and stuck to the pavement. We had to buy both twins a forty-dollar pair of sandals at some little rip-off gift shop, before we could continue ridin the rides.

Well any way, they asked me was she my Momma, and I said yes and paid them for her groceries. By now, there was Blue Bell Ice cream drippin on the floor under her cart, in a big old puddle. But I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

I no sooner got Momma and her groceries loaded into her 64 Dodge Dart, than she says that she's gonna have to be excused. By that she means go back into the store and find the little girls room. I said don't you have a "Depend" on? Go in that. That's what they're for.

She didn't look to pleased at my suggestion, but neither one of us had a split second to think about it, cause that's when the Jimmy Dean Sausage truck hit us. I guess I had left my tail end stickin out when I thought we were gonna have to go back in the store. I was half in and half out of the parking place, and he hit the part of us that was half out.

I was shocked at what had happened, but otherwise okay. When I looked in the backseat where Momma was, with all her groceries, I couldn't tell if she was hurt or not because she was so covered up. The heavy bag of canned goods had her pinned to the floorboard and she was covered head to toe with what looked like a dozen or so Grade A Jumbo, broken eggs. She was so confused. She just kept on askin me . Leona was I drivin? Leona was I drivin? Over and over again.

Dilbert Fikes, The manager of the Piggly Wiggly called the police, but they said the parking lot was private property so it was between us, and the Jimmy Dean Sausage people. Momma kept tellin the policeman that she was driving at the time and took full responsibility. She wouldn't shut up. So that policeman finally stooped down to her back window and said, "Ma’am, I appreciate your cooperation, but I just don't see how you could have been drivin and got knocked clear into the back seat with all these groceries toppled on top of you, unless you were doin about 70 in reverse." He told us if the car ran we were free to go. It looked pretty bad so I mopped Momma off and put her in my car to carry her home. "Do you still have to tinkle Momma?" I asked. "No," She says, "I already did."

I sure would appreciate it if next time you come by, you would take her to the store after her groceries and give me a break. Last time I took her, I had to down two jiggers of Jack Daniels, just to get the nerve up, and it was 8:30 in the mornin.

She's smokin in bed again too. She burned a hole, yea big in that comforter you gave her and has caught Munchkin and Mitzy's fur on fire a couple of times. Munchkin was not so bad, cuz he's a short-hairdo mutt, but if I hadn't been there, Mitzy would have gone up like a dead Christmas tree in July. I don't mean to worry you, but I can't be the only one that knows these things. It's your responsibility as family to worry too.

Write us. Remember, we love you anyway,